Parenting

To the Mothers of My Children

Posted on by Phil Corbett

Yes, you read that correctly – to the mothers of my children.

If you are looking for some scandalous information about me, though, I am sorry to have to disappoint you. I am actually rather boring when it comes to controversy.

Still, my children do have more than one mother and I would like to take some time to thank all the mothers in my children’s lives, and in my life, along with all mothers.

So here goes….

To mothers –

You do everything from providing the launch pad for your children to follow their dreams to providing the safety net to catch them when their dreams crash to the ground. Mom, thank you for the confidence you instilled in me, as a 17-year-old senior, by listening to me share my dreams on our front porch and for the comfort you provided to me, as a 33-year-old son with a broken heart, by listening to me share my hurts while we re-roofed “the shack”. Though there are many other wonderful moments, those are two I will remember forever.

To mothers-in-law –

You welcome the additions to your family by being open to other mothers’ kids coming into your lives and taking your “babies” from you. Karen, I am thankful you accepted me into your family even though I am 12 years, 362 days older than your daughter and, on my first date with your daughter, you needed to come to my rescue when I ran out of gas. (I can explain!)

To birth mothers –

You do not give up your children for adoption but rather choose to give hope to your children through adoption. Even though you do not know who I am, I am thankful for you, my son’s birth mother, for allowing me to share in the life of your child. I am under no illusion that I can love him more or better than you can, but I do love him with every ounce of my being. Someday, if he decides to meet you, I hope you will see a young man worthy of the sacrifice you made. I am eternally grateful for the gift you have given me.

To the mothers who do not yet have children to legally call their own, or may never –

The time and care you put into every birthday card you send to your nieces, nephews and the other children in your life and the excitement these children show each time they are in your presence is priceless. Though you may never be listed on any official documents for these children, you are not only the favorite aunt, you are a mother to them and have been invaluable to their development as human beings.

To the mothers with whom we fathers share our parenting duties –

Where do I start? If we fathers were in a Tom Cruise movie, we would say, “you complete us.” That would be cheesy, though, so I will just say we could never be the fathers we are without you. Kelly, there are times when I wonder, if something were to happen to you, could I raise our kids on my own? I could and I would. Not because I would want to – only because I would have to. There is so much you give to our children that I never could. You have a special connection with each child that nurtures something distinctive in each child. You seem to be intrinsically aware of their individual needs and able to uniquely attend to those needs. It is an honor and a pleasure to parent with you.

I know there are many more mothers I could write about but there isn’t the time or the space. This Sunday, though, as we celebrate Mother’s Day, I encourage everyone to also celebrate Mothers’ Day, honoring all the women who have been mothers to us and to our children. You are truly appreciated.

Aaaagh…what is wrong with the youth of today!

Posted on by Phil Corbett

Aaaagh…what is wrong with the youth of today!

They sure do not work like we did, behave like we did or appreciate things like we did when we were kids.

Have you ever heard someone make a statement like that? How about these complaints?

The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers. – Socrates

“The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint… As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.”
 – Peter the Hermit, AD 1274

I am sure many of you have seen one or both of these quotes passed around the Internet at some point in the past decade. Whether either person actually said what is quoted is questionable, just the fact, though, the quotes have been referred to for decades, if not centuries, illustrates how common complaining about the youth of today is, no matter what time period “today” pertains to.

It just seems that one inalienable right of any generation is the right to complain about the generations that come after them. Granted, in many ways each successive generation has it easier than the previous generations. That is just the nature of living in a developing world. But when you take the time to get involved with youth and realize what they are doing, you would find out they are doing some amazing things, while facing challenges many of us did not need to face.

A few years ago, I participated in an online discussion (argument) on this subject. I think the discussion began with the mention of a newspaper article regarding some trouble some youths got into. One of the other participants was trying to make the point that today’s youth are lazy and spoiled because none of them have to milk cows by hand anymore.

In addition to wondering why anyone would want to milk cows by hand today, I responded to him with this:

Before we start making huge generalizations about “kids” please consider a few things. If you have concerns about the character or work ethic or whatever of kids these days, they did not raise themselves. If you want to blame someone, blame the generation that raised them (that would include all adults and not just the parents).

Mostly, I would seriously disagree with the generalizations about what is wrong with kids these days. Yes, there are some, maybe many, who do not work as hard as the previous generations. (Each generation seems to think the next generation is just not as good as they were. All of us were the next generation at one time.) If you want to see how hard kids work or the many amazing things they do, though, take the time to get involved in the lives of young people. You will see how many of them are balancing course loads in high school that many of us never handled until later in college. You will see them volunteering hundreds of hours of time, not to make themselves look good for scholarships and college applications, but because they truly want to make a difference. You will see them trying to fit this in with practice schedules and other time commitments many of us did not have until we started our careers. You will see kids who genuinely celebrate the triumphs of their peers and tearfully rally around each other in times of tragedy. Working in a high school, I get to see this everyday and I am fortunate.

Let’s pay less attention to the headlines about those who do not behave well and take the time to find out about and support those who do the right things but will never make the headlines.

From my viewpoint, our future is in good hands.

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Please Don’t Tell My Wife This

Posted on by Phil Corbett

Please don’t tell my wife this – I like it when she travels for work. It is good to have her out of the house for a while.

Did I just say that?

Some of you who know me are thinking I should drop the shovel while I can still climb out of the hole I am digging, but you would also know I am not wise enough to do that. So before the hole becomes a grave, I better explain.

You see, I become a better parent and my kids become better kids when my wife is gone. Okay, that doesn’t sound quite right either.

Let me start from the beginning.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have three children, ages 11, 8, and 6. When our oldest son was born, my wife became a full-time, stay-at-home mom. When he was about 10 months old, my wife recognized a need to get out and interact with other adults and, therefore, started her career in direct sales, doing home parties and educating people on the value of educational toys. This meant leaving the house a handful or more evenings a month for parties and other events and traveling to trainings and conventions several times per year.

That is what made me a better parent. Actually, my wife leaving made us both better parents. How? For me, it forced me to trust myself as a parent. It forced me to rely on my own skills, rather than relying on my wife to handle things like she would all day. It forced me to figure out more things to cook for dinner, though, pancakes and frozen pizza were perfectly acceptable and very popular for a long time.

For my wife, it forced her to let go of the notion that her way of doing something was the only way to do it. (Still, her way was usually the best, most effective, and, at times, the safest way to do something). This letting go also took some pressure off of her because we were able to be equals as parents, which, as she found out when she traveled to some homes, was not the case everywhere.

My wife leaving was also good for the kids. Our kids got to see their amazing stay-at-home mom get dressed up to also go be an amazing and confident career woman. They got to see her earn trips to wonderful places (which they got to experience only in pictures) because of how good she was at her job. They got to see that though her family was the most important thing in her life, just as with their daddy, it was not the only thing in her life that defined her.

Since last April, my wife has been working on the corporate side of direct sales, training and coaching others. She still works mostly from home but is traveling more often and for longer periods of time. She just recently returned from being gone for five days at a conference.

Once again, it was great for us. I enlisted the help of my parents and my kids got to spend some wonderful time with their papa and grandma. But there was more to it this time. I realized that when one of us or both of us is gone, our kids rely on themselves and each other a little more and grow up a little more. They also miss us a little more and appreciate us a little more. The looks on the faces of the kids and their mother, as they reunited at the airport, were evidence of that and truly priceless.

One last thing, when my wife travels for work, other people get to see how amazing she is, too.

Yes, I do like it when my wife travels for work but I love it when she is home.

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The Magic Gum: Parenting How To (not) 101

Posted on by Phil Corbett

I remember when I was the expert at parenting. I had answers to most every parenting problem there was and was so confident in my advice I was willing to offer it for free, often without being asked.  I know. How thoughtful and generous of me.

Then I got married and had kids.

I have to admit there are times I would like to go back and slap that earlier version of myself and knock him off his high horse. (Any of you reading this who were the recipients of my former-self’s advice, you may go back and slap him, too.)

Celebrating humanity is just as much acknowledging, accepting and even embracing our shortcomings, as it is recognizing the positive things we do. I suggest there is no better topic to point out our humanness than parenting.

I think I am a pretty typical parent. Doing the best I can but making mistakes everyday – often the same mistakes over and over. Still, there are times I find myself wanting to put money into a therapy account for my kids to use when they are adults because of all the mistakes I make.  

One of the best therapies for me as a parent is hanging out with other parents. Sure is it nice to get a few hours, even a night, away. More importantly, it is great to hear the stories other parents tell so I can be reminded I am fairly normal. Today, therefore, I am providing a little free therapy for those of you who are parents and maybe just a little humor for those of you who are not.

Here goes. Several years ago, when my daughter was around four, she asked if she could have a piece of gum that was sitting on the counter. For some good reason neither of us now remembers, my wife and I said no. (It probably had something to do with finding chewed gum getting stuck around the house.) So instead, our daughter asked if she could have some candy from the candy jar. We said yes.  She chose some Smarties. 

A little while later, we noticed our daughter was chewing on something. We asked her if she took a piece of gum from the counter. She said no. We then asked her how the gum got in her mouth and she said the candy “magically” turned to gum. Catching her in an obvious lie, we gently tried to persuade her to tell the truth, using the “what you did was wrong and you will have consequences but not telling the truth about it is worse” line. She stuck with her silly story. We were a little worried that something pathological might be going on so we gently pressed a little more and still no change in her story. I don’t really remember how the discussion ended or the consequence we gave her.  We definitely let her know our disappointment in her for not telling the truth and hoped a little guilt might change the behavior next time.

Life went on and a month or so later, I needed to satisfy my sweet tooth.  I looked into the candy jar and saw some Smarties and popped a roll into my mouth.  I started chewing and “magically” the Smarties turned to gum.  I never knew Smarties made a gum!

Needless to say, my wife and I went to our daughter with our tails between our legs begging for her forgiveness.

Thankfully, our daughter accepted our apology and we still laugh about it today, which is fortunate since I have not yet opened up the therapy account.