relationships

Human BEings and Human DOings

Posted on by Phil Corbett

In April of 1981, as a junior in high school, I attended a Together Encountering Christ (TEC) retreat in central Minnesota. That three-day retreat and the subsequent retreats I have worked on have had a profound impact on my life. From developing a better understanding of how God’s love works in my life to cultivating relationships with the people I consider my closest friends, including my wife, I could not imagine, and would not want to imagine, how life would be had I not accepted a friend’s invitation to attend the retreat.

Unfortunately, if I were invited to attend the retreat for the first time today, I am not sure I would go.

Don’t get me wrong. I hope I would say yes.

The retreat is still a very valuable experience and continues to have a profound effect on the people who attend it today. Because of how busy life can get, though, committing three days to slowing down and exploring a deeper relationship with God and with others can be difficult to add to our calendars.

In addition, because technology allows such immediate and continual connectedness to most everything going on in the world, disconnecting from the outer world for several days to focus on our inner worlds could be challenging as well.

I believe the busyness and connectedness of our world is exactly why we should be committing the time to retreats and others activities which encourage us to reflect on our lives and our relationships with God and others. I think Jesus spoke to this in Luke 10: 38-42, in the story of Mary and Martha, when he affirmed Mary for sitting at his feet and listening to him speak while her sister Martha worked.

The mother of the friend who invited me to attend the retreat has a saying posted on her kitchen wall that I refer to often and is the inspiration for this blog. The poster says, “We are human BEings, not human DOings”.

Though I believe we are both, I fear we put way too much emphasis on assessing our lives by the DOing, neglecting the importance of the BEing.

Whether by attending retreats like TEC or just taking the time everyday to reflect on our lives and God’s presence in them, balancing our BEing with our DOing, as the pace of life continues to quicken, is more important now than ever.

“Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday.”

Posted on by Phil Corbett

Not only is that a line from one of the most-quotable, classic movies of all time, it is an appropriate topic for the special day being celebrated this week. (I am referring to Valentine’s Day, not Ash Wednesday.)

As a good friend likes to remind me, when it comes to mawage, I out-punted my coverage. I have a hard time disagreeing with him.

Another friend once said, in reference to my wedding, “never have I seen a bride cry so hard walking down the aisle and never have I seen a bride with so many reasons to cry.” I am not as sure about that one.

Though I am one to appreciate humorous comments like these, when I got married I was also very fortunate to have the benefit of receiving helpful advice from many people on how to have a good marriage. One piece of advice sticking in my head came from a friend who told me to remember, and often use, these three simple phrases – “Yes, dear.” “Sorry, dear.” “You’re right, dear.” I must admit, I have not yet fully mastered the art of using of these phrases but since the giver of the advice and his wife are closing in on 50 years of marriage, I figure the advice is worth paying attention to.

50 years! The reality of what it means to be married 50 years and beyond can be difficult to truly comprehend.

The past several years I have had the pleasure of attending the 50th wedding anniversary celebrations of a few couples, including my parents. Think about it, since my parents and the other couples were married, they have weathered tough economic times, including at least seven recessions. They have worried about the future of the world because of the Cold War, the Vietnam War, the threat of nuclear war, Gulf Wars I and II, and the War on Terror. They have held on to their values while adapting to continual, societal changes, from the social upheaval of the 60s and 70s to the fast-moving pace of the 90s and 2000s. They have experienced, and continue to experience, countless personal triumphs and tragedies, as well as the triumphs and tragedies of their children and grandchildren. Through all of this and much more, my parents and the other couples have not only survived, they have thrived and probably enjoy each other more now than ever.

Before I got married, I had my opinions on marriage and divorce, and just like the parenting advice I was willing to offer prior to becoming a parent, I was willing to offer my opinions on marriage to people who were not really asking for them.

Since getting married, I have been humbled and have learned to judge less and empathize more when marriages do not work out. Not many people enter into a marriage planning on it ending in divorce. I know many good people who, for reasons I am not privy to, were not able to make it work and spending time placing blame and shame does not seem to serve much of a purpose.

With so much publicity, though, focusing on marriages that do not work out, I just think it is good to celebrate the many marriages that do work out.

“Yes, dear.” “Sorry, dear.” “You’re right, dear.” I hope and pray I am wise enough to master those phrases by the time my wife and I reach 50 years.

P.S. I purposely did not mention the name of the movie the quote comes from for fear of insulting those who know the movie as well as I do, or even better. For the name of the movie and the many other quotable lines from it, just Google “mawage.” You will not be disappointed.

Sleeping Around

Posted on by Phil Corbett

“Hi. My name is Phil Corbett. I am happily unmarried but I sleep around a lot.”

How’s that for an attention getter? I actually used to use that as an introduction when I was directing retreats. I was fairly successful at getting the participants’ attention, as well as some pretty concerning looks.

I guess I should explain.

I got married later in life than most of my friends. While they were starting families, I was still trying to figure out how to start a relationship. (Some of you are nodding in agreement right now – I know it!) On weekends, certain holidays and other times when I had nothing to do, many of these friends would invite me to spend time with their families, often letting me sleep overnight. That is what I mean by “sleeping around.” Sorry if you were looking for something more scandalous or controversial.

These experiences were significant to me and led to the development of one of my many theories of life, and probably my favorite one – each of us has a family by chance and a family by choice.

Our family by chance is our family of origin. Whether by birth or adoption, we are added to this family by chance and not by any decision we make. Some are fortunate and have loving, supportive families by chance. Others are not as fortunate.

Our family by choice is the people with whom we develop relationships throughout our lives. For this, we should all be fortunate because we get to choose who they are.

I have been blessed to have a wonderful family by chance. I am the fifth of eight children in a loving, supportive, but by no means perfect, family. Every year we reserve a retreat center for three days to celebrate our family Christmas. Once again, this year, my parents, all my siblings and most of their children were able to make it, some traveling a few hours by car, others driving from Texas, or flying in from Massachusetts and Pennsylvania. Every other summer, my dad’s family (the children, grandchildren, etc. of Grandma Irene from an earlier post) gathers for a three-day campout, at which usually over one-hundred relatives show up. I could not have asked for a better family by chance.

I have also been blessed with my family by choice, but I have been wise with it, too. I have been fortunate to have wonderful people cross my path throughout my life and I have been wise enough to choose to grow those relationships.

My family by choice consists of people who have been supportive when I needed to be held up. They are people who have challenged me when I have needed to be enlightened. They are people who have been willing to listen to my ramblings when I needed to figure out the meaning of life. They are people from whom I have gained great wisdom and insight just by listening to them.

Most importantly, they are the people who have encouraged me to let my light shine, cultivating what is right about me, instead of digging up what is wrong about me, and I realize I am a better person because of them.

Far too many people spend their lives trying to change their family by chance. I think that effort could be much better spent developing their family by choice.

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Some Holiday Perspective

Posted on by Phil Corbett

A few years ago, when he was in 8th grade, my nephew wrote this poem. I think sharing it is very fitting at this time of year. To me, it puts the holidays in perspective. It’s not about the gifts – it’s about the relationships.

He is My Grandfather
By John Corbett

He lives in Minnesota
I used to live there
He lives hours from a big city
I live 15 minutes from one
He is old
I am young

He is the one who taught me how to fish
I am the one who watched with urgency
He is the one who bought me my first fishing pole
I am the one who used it with great care
He is the one who gave me my first tackle box
I am the one who filled it as he gave me tackle
He is the one who put up with me through all my mistakes
I am the one who was clueless of my wrong doings

He is the one that I will never forget
He is the one that will always be with me

He is my grandfather
I am his grandson

I am interested in reading about similar relationships others have in their own lives. Anyone willing to share?